‘I know she was upset, but I replied nicely. Then she got angry, then her best friend got involved and then she got really angry.’ It’s a very absorbing story but it takes me a while to realize that none of the events that Nikhil describes ever happened face-to-face. I clarify and he pauses to look at me quizzically. ‘It’s the same. Why does it matter if it was online or not?’ he asks, sounding annoyed. He’s right; it doesn’t really matter. Not to Nikhil, anyway.
Nikhil and I met over lunch at Delhi’s Khan Market. Sitting there talking about Nikhil’s jilted girlfriend jolts another memory. Almost ten years ago, my friend Pranav wanted to break up with his then-girlfriend and decided to break the news to her over text. A decade ago, it seemed cold and impersonal, almost cruel to break up with someone over text. Today, none of that matters: declarations of love, regret over breakups, apologies for transgressions and promises of forever are all carried out on chats, DMs and the sidelines of virtual games. As iGen comes of age, they do so with both hands firmly clasped around their phones. Through several interviews with tweens and teens, it was evident that many in iGen have embraced virtual dating. Or as they call it: dating. …
In the years when they should be practising what it takes to develop meaningful relationships, iGen often has to spend hours reading between the lines trying to decipher a message or a post with a hidden meaning. While it’s tempting to dismiss these early relationships as ‘puppy love’, they’re hugely instructive, setting the blueprints for our self-worth and how we will treat others. That awkward moment of figuring out whether or not to lean in for a first kiss is actually a critical lesson in reading non-verbal cues, arguably one of the most important skills humans ever learn. Operating in the virtual realm, our kids explore their sexual identities in a different way, often without touch and sometimes bereft of intimacy.
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Bakul Dua, a clinical psychologist, says that pre-teens and teens are now ‘experiment[ing] before they can even understand intimacy and its consequences.’ Bakul, who has worked in schools in Mumbai and Bengaluru, seems to be on to something—the Internet has invented a new normal, especially when it comes to exploring sex. From watching porn to sexting your partner or having an anonymous sexy chat online, digital sexy is the norm for many iGen. Most have seen a digital gang bang before they’ve even had a chance to hold someone’s hand. Online is where many tweens and teens experience their ‘first times’. Gone are the days when you spent time alone in your bathroom with some faded, stolen magazines. …
Emojis are a big part of how iGen does sexy, with 72 per cent of young adults saying they find it easier to put their feelings across in emojis than in text. … Alongside emojis, teens have also developed their sexting shorthand, including CU46 (see you for sex), GNOC (Get Naked on Camera) and NP4NP (Naked Pic for Naked Pic). Irregular for many of us, this is standard fare in the lives of most teenagers with a phone and perhaps rightly so. Consider this: if this technology had been available to you as a teenager, wouldn’t you have tried?
Teenagers have a naturally strong sex drive with everything being so enticingly new. They are newly beautiful, all these interesting parts of themselves newly emerged, the freedom newly earned, the hormones newly released. It’s intoxicating. And sexting with its instant gratification and inherent risqué-ness is equally enchanting. It’s practically made for the teenage mind! In fact, Snapchat was born because its then college-going founders were enchanted by the idea of disappearing nudes.
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This is not to say that sexting is easy for parents of teenagers. I am supposed to meet my friend Rashmi and her teenage daughter Trisha as part of my interviews. Rashmi shows up without Trisha because the mother and daughter aren’t currently on speaking terms. A few days ago, Rashmi installed a camera in Trisha’s bedroom which has obviously irked Trisha. ‘I’m so scared that she’s going to take her clothes off for some boy. She’s only fifteen. I can’t see what’s happening on her phone, but with this camera at least I’ll be able to see if she starts stripping,’ Rashmi says, her voice shaking. I ask what prompted this sudden decision. ‘She lied to me and told me she wasn’t on TikTok. Then a teacher was being bullied online, and Trisha’s TikTok account was involved. That’s how I found out what she’s been up to.’
Rashmi went from blissful ignorance to militant vigilance overnight and for her part, Trisha hasn’t spoken to her mother in a week. For my part? My heart breaks for both of them. More than a heartbreak emoji can show.
In an attempt at consolation, I remind Rashmi about the upsides of virtual intimacy: iGen are physically safer than they have ever been. STDs and teen pregnancies are at an all-time low globally. In the UK, the teen pregnancy rate has declined by over 55 per cent, with researchers jubilantly touting this as the success story of our time. This success is mirrored globally and research suggests that it is the rise in sexting that has helped lower the teen pregnancy rate. That’s good newsworthy of several celebratory emojis!
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And even for those unconcerned about getting pregnant, finding sexy communities online is often a liberating experience. Perhaps one of the most powerful social urges we have as humans is the need to belong. With its unrivalled ability to bring people together, tech creates a sense of belonging for those who often find themselves sidelined in the mainstream. I spoke to Leila, a queer nineteen-year-old who has recently come out to her family. ‘I only had the guts to do it after my online community encouraged me,’ she says. This sentiment is common among many iGen whose sexual preferences or identities fall outside the cis-het square. Especially for those living in homes where queerness is still a caricature, going online to find belonging has become essential.
Excerpted with permission from iParent: Embracing Parenting in the Digital Age, by Neha Hiranandani, published by Penguin Random House India, 272 pages, ₹299.
