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Why is spontaneous communication key to a romantic relationship?

You need to communicate with confidence, clarity, and spontaneity with a prospective partner. The clarity of your message will either make or break your relationship

Instead of deliberating on each message or response you send to a prospective partner, focus on its clarity. Photo: PIxabay

By Simran Mangharam

LAST PUBLISHED 24.02.2024  |  01:00 PM IST

Online interactions have become such an integral part of romance and love stories these days. In my work as a dating coach, I often help craft responses for single clients to messages for their prospective partners. Most of my clients are successful professionals, communicating daily with other successful professionals, and handling complexities at work with confidence. And yet, these very individuals become extremely nervous when it comes to pressing the send button to a message meant for a person they are romantically interested in. They re-write and read each message many times, often sending it to me for my opinion. “Is this sounding too desperate?" or “Do you think this will turn him/her off?" are some of the questions that plague them. They remain nervous till they get a reply. And then the cycle starts again.

Yes, love is complex. The rush of emotions, the feeling of vulnerability, not knowing how the other person feels and the ultimate fear of rejection—it is indeed too much. And within this heightened emotional state, if we start killing spontaneity and bring in self-doubt, where will it really lead us?

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The initial nervousness of individuals, when they are in the uncertain period of a relationship, is quite understandable. What is not discussed much, however, is that this nervousness doesn’t end as the relationship progresses. It's been two years since my client, M, a 34-year-old architect based in Delhi, has been in love with R, an education professional based in Germany. Neither has confessed their feelings to the other. They met through a matchmaking service and have met in person only thrice in these two years. They are constantly messaging and talking to each other. It’s not been said out loud but M is convinced that they are in a relationship. Now, M is keen to get married to R, but she is hesitant to be the one to ask. In the past, R invited her to Germany on a few occasions, but she has never made that trip. Now she is keen to visit him but does not know how to ask.

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Finally, she decided to send him a message instead of asking him on a voice call. It took her two days to write the message, after which she sent it to me. I found the message ambiguous as it just said that she would like to take up R on his offer to visit him. I suggested that she make it more direct by asking R specifically if the Easter break would be a good time to visit him. M mulled over this specific message, which we had crafted, for another few days. Her main fear was that he might fob her off and that might also mean the end of whatever they had in terms of a relationship. The important question M needed to answer was that was she okay with the uncertain state of the relationship indefinitely? Only when M answered that question was she able to send R that message. M is going to Germany in the Easter break.

The point I am trying to make is that you need to communicate with confidence, clarity, and spontaneity when it comes to romantic relationships. Whether you are in the initial stages of forging a relationship with someone or trying to take an existing relationship to the next level, you need to be able to bring all of these aspects in your communication with your partner.

What is perceived as a downside of this, is not really one in my opinion. It will be hurtful in that moment when the response is not what you seek. But the authenticity of it will either make your relationship stronger or herald its demise. And both outcomes might be good for you in the long term. If M had been ambiguous about her message about visiting R, they might have deliberated over many messages to determine the right time for her visit, or R could have said no to the visit. The former scenario would have kept her anxious till a date was fixed and the latter would have left her miserable. By being direct in her very first message, M cut down on her anxiety as R almost replied immediately with an affirmative response. In a scenario, where R might have declined to host her, M would not have wasted her time on a relationship, which was going nowhere.

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Instead of deliberating on each message or response you send to a prospective partner, focus on its clarity. That will lead to confident, authentic and spontaneous actions.

This is a limited series by Simran Mangharam, a dating in and relationship coach, who can be reached on simran@floh.in